


I'm okay with it (actually, I'm not)

by edgeoflights



Series: Agents need therapy too [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Episode Tag, F/M, Guys the Dousy is hinted at, Multi, POV Skye | Daisy Johnson, Panic Attacks, Parent Melinda May, Parent Phil Coulson, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 07, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Skye | Daisy Johnson's Superpowers, like veryyy hinted at
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25473037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgeoflights/pseuds/edgeoflights
Summary: Set post season 7 finale, this speculation fic explores some of Daisy's trauma and how she might deal with it after the team's 'Last Mission'.
Relationships: Deke Shaw & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May, Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa, mentioned:
Series: Agents need therapy too [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845175
Comments: 19
Kudos: 126





	I'm okay with it (actually, I'm not)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sanctuaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanctuaria/gifts).



> For Sanctuaria because she is awesome and also helped me realize that I, in fact, am not a robot that is expected to write 20k words a day. So. Thank you!!
> 
> So- I don't give explanations for some of the outcomes because A) I want it to be up to the reader what exactly happened and B) I wanted to be dramatic and mysterious. 
> 
> Daisy doesn't have PTSD. Technically, it's likely, but she doesn't have it; not in this fic. I hint at her having depression early on. !! TW for panic attacks and mentions of major canonical deaths!! Also, don't use any of this advice as an alternative to therapy. I searched up different rules for therapists/psychologists and I tried to make it accurate to Daisy, but I'm not a therapist and you should not treat this fic as such. Okay, wuv u. Enjoy.

**_Dr. Kyna_ **

_Patient Name: Daisy Johnson_

_Age: 31_

_DOB: July 2, 1989_

Daisy gave no notice to anything in the office before dropping heavily onto the plush, maroon couch situated in front of the therapist’s desk. Dr. Kyna was a renowned therapist that occasionally consulted for Shield; like Andrew had done. She was a petite, younger afro-european lady with intelligent, sharp eyes.

“Hello, Daisy,” Dr. Kyna said warmly, her hands around a mug of coffee. 

Daisy tried to muster up a glare but didn’t have the energy. “I don’t want to be here,” she mumbled, feeling a little like a child forced to go to the principal’s office.

“I’m sorry,” Kyna responded gently. “From what I’ve heard from you…” she shifted a stack of papers on her desk and scanned Daisy’s file, which was majorly classified except for basic information. “Your parents asked for you to come here to work out some of your trauma.”

“ _Hurray_.” Daisy had referred to May and Coulson as her ‘overbearing parents’ when she’d scheduled an appointment, mainly out of annoyance from their insistence at her getting ‘proper help’. Maybe a little bit out of wishful thinking, too.

“Would you like anything to drink?”

Daisy shook her head no. 

“Okay. Well, I guess we should get right into this. Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

“Well.” She’d already decided on the way here to tell the truth. Or at least most of it. “I have two dogs. One is named Rose and the other one is named Jenna. I live alone, but you knew that from my file.” At one point, she'd dreamed of someone else living with her, being introduced to 2020- No. She couldn't think about him.

Kyna seemed to be expecting more. “What about your family?”

“Um. My Mom-” she got a thrill from saying that- “and Dad-” got a thrill from saying that too- “live in upstate New York as well.”

“And they were Shield agents?”

Daisy nodded. “The best.”

“You visit them?”

“All the time,” she responded. “We live pretty close, and I hang out with them a couple of times a week. I don’t know what I’d do without them,” she answered honestly. After arriving in 2020, they’d been there for her the entire time she’d been trying to find a place to live and then work.

“Anybody else? Friends? What about anybody at SHIELD you used to work with?”

Daisy wasn’t allowed to say Jemma, Elena, or Mack’s name. Since she wasn’t part of the organization anymore; the information was classified, though Kyna had probably met them all at some point. “Yeah. My friend Deke, you probably have heard of him. He was on Forbes recently? His tech and prosthetic company Fitz-Shaw is really taking off. I’m friends with his co-CEO too.”

“He used to be an agent as well?”

“Kind of. He never officially became one, but he was there for the team during the last mission. He was honorary.”

“The last mission?”

Daisy pursed her lips. “I can’t talk about it; it’s classified.”

“Of course. Any other friends or family?”

“Um, yeah. A couple. I haven’t talked to them in months, since-” she gestured lamely- “This happened. But I got to watch two different weddings, which was nice. And now I’ve got two nieces.” She frowned. “Though I’ve never met them.”

“Why not?”

“I had to drop communication with most of the people I used to work with for both of our safety. So it’s really just me, Deke, and my parents.”

“Okay.” Kyna wrote something down on a pad, and it took all of Daisy’s self control not to sit up and peek over the desk at what she’d written. “What brought you in here today?”

Other than May and Coulson forcing her to? Daisy sighed and shifted on the couch. “I mean, a lot of stuff.”

“What do you think I should know about the most?” Dr. Kyna asked.

Daisy bit back a response of _nothing_. She didn’t want to bare out her deepest, darkest problems in front of some lady. Okay, some lady with a PHD. Still. 

“I’m… “ _What? An ex-Shield agent? An inhuman? A hero?_ None of those were right anymore. “I don’t know what I am,” Daisy admitted. “I’m not doing much right now.”

“That’s okay. Everybody needs a break sometimes,” Kyna responded.

Daisy shrugged. “Well, I’m going a little stir-crazy being stuck in my apartment all day.”

“Have you found any hobbies?”

“Other than sparring and exercising? No,” Daisy answered. 

“What do you do during the day?”

“I cook, I guess. Not well. Um, I visit Deke sometimes. Look, it’s not bad, it’s just… quiet.”

“Right.”

“And I really want to help people but I can’t… not anymore.” Daisy closed off, wrapping her arms around her torso. 

“Why not?” Kyna asked, though she already knew the answer from their single previous exchange over the phone. 

Daisy bit her lip. “I don’t…” she faltered. She didn’t continue speaking, but after a long silence from the doctor and an internal battle, she sighed. “I don’t have my powers anymore,” she said quietly.

“How did that happen?” 

The question hung in the air, unanswered. Daisy realized after a minute or two of biting her lip so hard it bled that she had never said what had happened aloud. “I can’t.” 

Kyna gave a noise of understanding. “Of course. Anything else about yourself you want me to know?”

“Everyone I’ve ever known has either died or been screwed over,” Daisy responded lightly.

Silence for a second. Then- “Would you like to elaborate on that?”

_No._

But also, May would kick her ass if she found out Daisy wasn’t cooperating. ‘ _Just try, Dais,_ ’ she’d said. 

Fuck trying. Daisy wanted to fall on the floor and never get up.

“Daisy?” Kyna prompted gently.

“I- look. Every person I’ve ever befriended or dated has ended up in a bad situation.”

“So do you allow yourself to pursue a new relationship?”

Daisy shook her head. “No, I can’t. It’s a pattern. I’m, like, a magnet for bad people, and it always gets carried over to whatever innocent person I’ve ended up knowing.”

“Maybe you’re seeing a pattern that isn’t there.” When Daisy arched an eyebrow at Kyna, she elaborated. “Sometimes, people see things so one-sided that if something happens around them multiple times; they see it as a result of themselves. But in most cases, it’s correlation, not causation.”

“Okay,” Daisy answered, not in the mood to rebut her.

“Maybe you want to explain a little about what exactly happened?”

Daisy absolutely _did not_ want to do that.

“We don’t have to today,” Kyna said after Daisy kept quiet for a few minutes. “It takes time-”

Damn time. She’d had time. It wasn't enough. “His name was Lincoln.”

“Okay.”

“He was… bright, and funny, and sweet… He was an inhuman, like me, and I met him in this cult-like inhuman sanctuary run by my tortured and turned-insane mother.”

“... Of course.”

“At some point…” Daisy swallowed. “There was this… it’s a long story, but the original inhuman was named Hive. He had the ability to control other inhumans. He made me do some pretty bad stuff. Um, well, my good friend’s ex husband, Andrew, saved me from Hive, but he died. Soon after that, Lincoln sacrificed his life to kill Hive. Two really good people that lost their lives because of me. Two lives worth so much more than mine, and yet theirs were lost it’s…” her voice cracked. “It’s not fair.”

“How long ago was this?”

“Six years? Yeah, I know… I’m still hung up on it… I guess I never really got the closure I needed. After it happened I ran away from my team. I didn’t want to hurt them too.”

“Sounds to me more like you were running away from facing his death?” Kyna asked gently.

Daisy wiped her eyes and sat up sharply. “What does that mean? That I ran away for- for selfish reasons?” She hissed.

“I’m not saying that. Why are _you_?”

Daisy faltered, the anger leaving her body just as quick as it had come. “ _What?_ ”

“Why did you think I was accusing you of running away for selfish reasons?”

Daisy stared at Kyna, then at her hands. “I don’t… Maybe I’m worried…” She pursed her lips and started over. “Maybe I’m worried that I ran away for half a year for no reason. That it was all in my head. Because if it was- that means- that means I wasted so much time.”

“It likely wasn’t all in your head, Daisy, but it definitely wasn’t benefiting anybody to separate yourself from the people you loved.”

“But I was going to hurt them…”

“Based on your theory that everyone you love gets hurt because of you?”

Daisy nodded. 

“Well, Andrew seemed to have willingly given his life for you. That was his choice, not yours. Same with Lincoln. Correlation, not causation.”

Daisy sighed. “So I’m seeing a pattern that isn’t there,” she repeated what Kyna had said earlier. 

“Most likely. And I believe that you weren’t leaving to keep your loved ones safe, because your rational subconscious understood that it wasn’t your fault. You kept saying you ‘ran away’. Ran away from what?”

“From facing Lincoln’s death,” Daisy responded in a ghost whisper.

“And you still haven’t, it seems. You’ve been doing nothing but saving humanity for the past five years; you haven’t had much time to address it, so you’ve pushed it down, haven’t you? It’s been sitting, gaining more and more pressure; piling on guilt from other things that have happened since then. You haven’t talked about it; what it meant to you. This is the first time you’ve thought about his death, truly, since it happened, no?”

Daisy bit her lip again.

“All of your losses, they’ve been suppressed. You don’t like your current, boring life because you’ve lost so much, and now that the action has stopped, you’re realizing that you have to acknowledge the losses.”

Daisy stared at her.

And then it hit.

_Oh my God, he’s gone. A light that was there and is now… burned out, much too early._

Daisy broke down into a sob before falling off of the couch and onto her knees on the floor. She was barely aware of Kyna’s hands on her back as cries racked her body.

_He’s gone. He’s been gone for a long time. I’ve been without him for too long._

She tried desperately to heave in lungfuls of air. 

_Trip. Trip’s body crumbling to dust while I gained powers that could rip buildings apart._

She was shaking, but with normal tremors. No vibrations were ricocheting through the building.

_I can’t feel things like that anymore, I’m not supposed to…_

_Sousa’s eyes, blank…_

_May’s lifeless face as she died in my arms._

_Coulson, leaving to spend the short time he had left with the love of his life._

She couldn’t… breathe…

“ _Daisy?_ ”

She barely registered the phone being held up to her ear, but the voice immediately acted as an anchor. Daisy held onto it as tight as she could.

“May?” She answered weakly, trying to keep the sobbing from leaking out into her voice.

But May knew. She always knew. “ _Hey, Dais. Breathe with me, okay?_ ”

Daisy felt infinitely better as Melinda led her through some breathing exercises. May was alive. She was safe. 

Daisy was still shaking, but now she was aware of the world around her again. Sound rushed back into her ears all at once; the cars honking below the window in the New York traffic as commuters buzzed on the sidewalk. After giving Kyna a thumbs up she pushed herself off the floor and onto the couch with a sniff. 

“ _Kyna told me you had a panic attack,_ ” May said, the gentleness in her voice surprising Daisy for a brief second even though May had gained her emotions back months ago.

“Uh, yeah,” Daisy’s cheeks flushed. She still felt weak and emotionally spent, but almost… better? Lighter, maybe. “I, uh. I dunno.”

“ _Do you want to talk about it?_ ”

May knew the answer to that. Daisy stayed silent, her heavy breathing likely clear to hear on the other side of the phone.

“ _You haven’t had one in a while._ ”

“No, uh...” She saw Kyna back at her desk with an apologetic yet encouraging smile. “I think it was about… everything. Lincoln... _Sousa..._ ”

“ _Oh, Dais…_ ”

“No I’m fine, I-” she broke off and furrowed her brow in confusion. Truly, she felt much better. Somehow… she’d let go of him, at least a little bit. “I feel fine,” she said, though it came out more like a question.

_“That’s good.”_

Daisy bit her lip. “Hey, is Coulson there?”

 _“I’m Coulson.”_ Melinda deadpanned accurately. Technically, she was Melinda May-Coulson now.

“You know what I mean, Mel. The original Coulson.” Daisy could almost see May rolling her eyes as she passed the phone off to her husband.

 _“OG Coulson here,”_ he joked, though his light tone was tinged with worry. _“You okay, Dais?”_

“Yeah, ‘course. I just… wanted to make sure you were there.” She still needed to hear his voice sometimes, even though she'd seen him just yesterday, to make sure he was still alive; that one of her deepest wishes was _real_. A late night call recently had May admitting she felt the same way.

 _“Okay,"_ Phil answered kindly. _“I’m here, Daisy. It’s okay; everyone’s okay.”_

Daisy barely suppressed the bittersweet sob bubbling up from her throat. “Cool, cool. Thanks,” she said quietly. She heard a half-hearted complaint from Coulson as Melinda snatched the phone back. _“You want me to pick you up? I know you took the subway there._ ”

“Yeah, please.” Daisy smiled shakily.

_“We can get ice cream? Three of us?”_

“Sure.” Daisy inhaled deeply and let out a shuddering breath. “Thanks, May.”

_“Of course. We love you.”_

“Love you too. See you soon.” After May hung up, she turned to Dr. Kyna. “I’ve never had it that bad, at least not in recent years,” Daisy said apologetically. “How long was it?”

“It was fifteen minutes, give or take.”

“Oh.” Daisy blinked in surprise. “We went over? Sorry, I’ll pay-”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine. But that was interesting, for lack of a better word. How do you feel?”

“Better?” Daisy shifted on the couch and shrugged. “Exhausted.”

“I’m sorry I pushed, but it seemed to help you release some of the tension.”

“You’re right, I haven’t… faced it. I think if the panic attack hadn’t happened here, it might’ve happened in public, or when I was alone, or…” she trailed off. “Thank you.”

Kyna got up and handed her a bottle of water, which she drank with trembling hands. “I think… I’ll schedule another appointment. This really helped.”

“Of course.”

Kyna packed up all of her files and put them into a filing cabinet while Daisy continued talking. “I just… feel displaced, you know? I feel like everybody found their significant other and their niche in the world, and they’re happy. I hate bringing up my problems to them and asking for help because I’ll just drag them down.”

“You won’t. They’re your family; from just that phone call I could tell your mother loves you a lot. Tell her what you’re thinking; when you’re feeling bad. When you’re feeling nothing. You bottling up everything resulted in your panic attack just now. You talked about it for the first time, and it took a toll on you. I’m not saying you should constantly bring it up, but let your close family know how you’re feeling.” She turned around to look at Daisy, who was fiddling with a pencil she’d found on the desk. “Please.”

Daisy met her eyes, sighed, and nodded. “I’ll… try. Thanks, Dr. K.”

“K?” Kyna sounded amused.

“Yeah, you know. Kyna. K.”

Dr. Kyna chuckled. “That’s new.” She handed Daisy a thin folder with a duplicate of her files. “Here you go. I’m glad you came today. We’ll help you leave all of it in the past, alright?”

Daisy nodded. “Bye, Dr. Kyna. Thank you.”

“See you soon!”

As Daisy left the building, seeing Lola sitting idle next to the curb with her two favorite dorks leaning their heads on each other, she smiled. She wasn’t mentally healthy yet, not in the least. 

But she would be. One day, she’d be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos show me how much you liked this fic!
> 
> If you hated it, then press the kudos button angrily :)


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